


I Only Believe In You

by Reysamess



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, a bit of angst, but it ends cUte, read it, so just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 06:52:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14396628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reysamess/pseuds/Reysamess
Summary: Dan walks out at three in the morning, and gets stuck in the rain. Phil comes to rescue him.





	I Only Believe In You

**Author's Note:**

> This story started at only 2k words at like 11 at night, and now its 4 am and its 4k and I swear to god I'm just going to cry. Thank you so much to phanmoosage for the small prompt. Basically just "Angsty 2012," which I took and ran with. This made me emotional just writing it, but I think it might be just because its like 4am alsjdl;j. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

The smell of wet pavement, and the pitter patter of the oncoming rain storm darkened the pavement under his feet, leaving dark gray spots in their wake, matching the clouds that were now covering the twinkling stars above him. The wind blew over his face, biting at his nose and cheeks, making them a light tint of pink. An annoyed sigh left his lips as he reached up and pulled his hood over his slightly curly brown hair, before shoving his hands into the deep pockets of the black hoodie he was wearing. He couldn’t help but groan, could this night possibly get any worse than it already was? 

Despite the rainfall, Dan kept walking, his footsteps finding a harsh rhythm against the pavement, and slap of water sounded every time his foot found the ground beneath him. He could hear distant thunder, as the rain pounded at the ground harder. The wind drowning out the bitter curses that fell from him like the damn rain from the sky. He knew he couldn’t keep walking like this. He had been stupid enough to only grab a thin hoodie, one better fit to be a shirt rather than a jacket on his frantic escape from the apartment. Not only that, but he had managed to grab the one pair of shoes that had a hole worn into the bottom, bad enough to soak his socks, and make him feel just a little more miserable. 

He shook his head quickly, pushing away the thoughts, he really needed to focus on finding a place to stand until this blew over. His eyes darted around the small square he had found himself in. It was empty, no one out at three in the morning. All the shops were dark, and he was sure if he were to stand underneath one of the brightly colored awnings no one would actually blame him. He quickly spotted a green and white striped one across the square. It looked like it would hold over, at least for now. 

He glanced around quickly, before racing across the square, and under the awning, relieved to be away from the dagger-like rain, stabbing him with every drop. He sighed, lifting a hand to push the curly hair away from his face, man was he going to regret this tomorrow. He could almost guarantee that he was going to end up sick in at least a week, right when he needed to do something for his joint video with Phil. 

Phil. 

Shit. 

He had left without saying anything, and it hadn’t even been Phil’s fault. He groaned, leaning his head back against the orange-red brick behind him. Was it ever Phil’s fault? The answer to that question was an obvious no. Phil was always there when Dan needed him. Always ready to help with his existential crises or his editing, or even if he just needed an idea, or someone to talk to. Phil was always there. He had always been there, since 2009. Ever since they had became friends. 

He shook his head lightly, “You really keep fucking up, Dan,” he mumbled, his words lost to the pounding rain. He couldn’t think of any other weather that would fit his mood so perfectly, frame everything in his mind so beautifully, as rain. He felt himself let out a weak laugh, and run a hand to move his hair out of his face again. “God, I’m stupid,” 

 

The wind blew harshly against him, making the already cold water soaking him head to toe, colder, and making him shiver against his will. There was no way he could possibly sink any lower into his jacket, and honestly, he just wanted to go home. Not that he was sure if he could right now. Much less get there without dying of hypothermia or something. 

He sighed quietly, a sudden buzz from his pocket making him jump a little, bumping his head against the wall he had been leaning against. “Shit!” he groaned, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He winced at how bright the screen was in contrast to the dark area around him, and immediately turned down the brightness, before really looking at who was calling. 

He froze as soon as the name popped up on the screen, with a small picture to boot. 

Phil. 

He forced himself to move and press the green answer button, before holding it up to his ear. Of course it was Phil, he was always worried when Dan would disappear without saying anything. He would always call and make sure he was still alive and hadn’t been hit by a bus or something. If Dan was being honest with himself, which he rarely was, Phil was probably pacing the apartment right now, running a hand through his long black hair, and messing it up as much as he possibly could right now. The worst part was? It was all because he had forgotten to leave a note on the kitchen table, or a quick text in his inbox. Instead he just left at three in the morning, and never told anyone.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice came over the speaker, worried and frantic, and maybe a little shaky, and god he just wanted to keep blaming himself over and over again, because it was his fault that Phil was freaking out. It was his fault that he wasn’t sleeping right now, like he should be. It was his fault. 

It was always his fault. 

“Yeah?” He sounded weak, almost overtaken by the rain outside, almost inaudible, like he wasn’t holding the phone to his face. He felt like he was a thousand miles away, and he was trying to continue running, even though running was pointless. “What’s up?”

“Wha- It's two in the morning, where are you?” Always concerned, he wondered if Phil ever grew tired of being concerned over him all the time. Worrying and worrying, like a mother to her infant child. Why couldn’t he get his act together long enough to stop worrying him. 

“I just needed air,” he avoided the question, not really wanting Phil to be his knight in shining armor to drag him home and ask him to talk until the sun came up the next morning. He really didn’t want to be found right now, not at all, or ever, actually. He wanted to disappear from this cobblestone street and quite literally never come back. If that were possible, which at the moment it wasn’t. “Then it started raining, its really not that big of a deal.” he continued. He was trying to sound as okay as possible, and he really couldn’t tell if he was being convincing or not. 

“Dan, I’m coming to get you, it’s too cold,” he could hear Phil grab his keys from the hook in the kitchen, the jingle of them was a bit sharp in his ear, and he couldn’t help but hiss a little at it. “What street are you on?” he heard another shuffle as he assumed he was grabbing his shoes and jacket from downstairs. 

He remained silent for a moment, trying to decide whether it was worth fighting him on this. On one hand Phil is incredibly persistent and he knew damn well that if he fought it he would lose anyway, and the other, it could possibly stall him long enough for the rain to clear up so he could walk back and just go to sleep. The second option was way less likely, but god be damned if he wasn’t going to try. 

 

“You don’t have to walk me back. It’s my own mess that got me here anyway,” he raised a dismissive hand, before realizing that Phil couldn’t possibly see it, and dropped it back to his side a bit grumpily, “I’ll be home eventually,” 

Eventually. Maybe he should have chosen a different word, because he knew Phil would pick up on that too fast for his own good. He was way too perceptive for his own good, and knew when Dan was obviously lying. 

“You aren’t fine, and it's way too cold for you to be outside anyway,” he could hear the door open and the sudden loud burst of rain as Phil walked outside. The sharp jingle of keys was blocked out by the loud wind, and rain, “Where are you?” 

He sighed again, admitting defeat, because now he was outside too and he couldn’t just let him stand there in the cold until Dan finally relented. He wouldn’t have that on his hands, that was too much anyway. He sighed, knowing that he had let the silence between them go on too long. “Dan?” 

Dan leaned back against the wall again, sticking his free hand back in his pocket as he muttered the address into the phone. He moved to hang up completely, just to stand in silence with his own thoughts again, to suffer until Phil managed to pull him out of whatever dark place he had thought himself into. Though he was interrupted before he could even move his hand away from his face. 

“Don’t hang up yet, talk until I get to you,” That was new. Dan’s eyes widened a bit, at the demand, maybe he was just a little more worried today then normal. Surely he had been used to Dan walking out suddenly right? Why was this any different? “I just want to make sure you’re okay,”   
Dan couldn’t help but let out a bit of a scoff, “I’m not, but that’s the normal nowadays I think,” it sounded a bit more cynical then he had meant it to, and he cringed a bit at his tone. He knew Phil would take that as he really needs to talk, which he really didn’t want to right now. He just wanted to be alone in his own thoughts, to suffer, like always. 

He wanted to trap himself in his room for the rest of eternity and just disappear like that. Never make another video, never read another comment, just disappear off the face of the planet. He leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes, holding the phone to his ear, and thanking it for at least being a little warm. 

“Tell me about it?” Phil offered. He was always willing to listen. It was amazing how not annoyed he was with Dan and his stupid demons. How he could continue to tell Dan just how amazing he was, or how he managed to bring a smile to people’s faces or how he was really adorable when he actually smiled or really laughed. Dan was thankful for it, but he really did feel like a burden. A constant overbearing emotional burden, on the happiness that was Phil. 

“Nothing to talk about,” all his racing thoughts settled on those four words. The easier way out is to pretend there’s nothing there in the first place, right? Fake it until you make it basically. That’s what he’s been doing since he moved in with Phil in the first place. Fake being okay until you can’t anymore. 

Maybe he was reaching his limit. 

The line went quiet for a minute, before Phil spoke again. “You left for a reason,” 

The words stung more than they should have. It felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on his chest and had broken all his ribs, and forced his heart to explode. Maybe that was a bit dramatic, but that’s what it had felt like when he had said that so quietly. He just wanted to shut down, hang up the phone and chuck it across the square to the other brightly colored awning across the way. Watch it smash into tiny little pieces, because how had he been so fucking stupid?

He sucked in a breath quickly, “Look its stupid, okay? Don’t worry about it so much,” he couldn’t stop the sharp response. How much he wanted to hang up the phone in his hand. He couldn’t get anything right at the moment, and he really really just want to go to sleep and wake up to pretend nothing happened at all. 

“It's not stupid, it's bothering you so just tell me.” How had he not been affected by his harshness? By the sheer annoyed tone he had just snapped at him with? How had he just not turned back and gone home, said fuck this and went to bed? “Please, Dan, I really do care.” 

The straw that broke the camel's back was that phrase. Dan paused, feeling the wetness in his eyes, and the stinging of his cheeks, and he just sniffled for a moment. Phil was silent, knowing full well he had just broke the floodgates right open, and it was such a stupidly simple phrase that had done it. ‘I care’ was all he wanted to hear. 

“Today was terrible,” He started, his eyes were still closed, not wanting to look at the path, too worried he’d be searching for Phil on the path rather than actually paying attention. “My head, my mind, it keeps taking me dark places that I keep wanting to avoid, and I just… I don’t know what to believe anymore.” he shook his head, slipping down the wall, much like a teenager girl. He laughed internally at himself, god was he for the flair of dramatic. 

“Keep talking, I’m listening I promise,” Phil was so reassuring when he needed him to be. How had he managed to get the perfect….well.. everything? If Dan was being honest, Phil was everything right now. Even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself right now. 

“I keep thinking of all the what ifs. What if the whole youtube thing flops, what if we can get enough money to keep going, what if in ten years I’m alone, and a failure?” he sniffled again, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “What if no matter what I try, not matter how much I work, I don’t do it right?” 

“Do what right?” Phil’s voice felt distant, it was different then it had been just a moment ago. Damn it, did he screw up again? Usually it was so easy to tell what emotions he was feeling based on his voice alone, and now it just sounded empty. 

“Believe in everything like you. You believe in all those superstitious things, like tarot cards, and fate, and soulmates. You believe in karma, and bad luck, and you believe in all these amazing things,” he paused, rubbing his eyes, and clearing his throat, trying to make his voice come out clearer. “I don’t believe in anything, the world is just an enemy that’s kicking my ass, and what if I can’t believe enough to get out of it?” 

He felt defeated, his voice falling to just barely above a whisper, “What if I can’t believe in anything?” he was almost lost to the rain, his thoughts, his voice. His resolve to keep going at his darkest time. 

“Open your eyes, Dan,” the demand was so forward. He sounded so close, almost like he was right in front of him. He couldn’t tell if it was a literal demand or just Phil trying to get him to realize something. All the same, he opened his eyes, and was greeted with a pair of legs, which he followed upwards, until he was met face to face with Phil. 

He was drenched, his hair flat and stringy against his head, his usually smiling face was pulled into a worried frown, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at him. He was really studying him now, really analyzing his face, and his body and it made him worry just a little bit more. He dropped his hand, sticking his phone in the pocket of his jeans, before extending it towards him. “You have to believe in something, Dan,”   
Dan stood up on his own, ignoring Phil’s hand completely. He watched him retract his hand, and stick it in his pocket, an unreadable expression on his face. “I don’t believe in anything,” He was lying again. He was always hiding that one thing, wasn’t he? He couldn’t even be honest with his best friend at this point. 

Phil remained silent for a moment, before turning around and looking at him over his shoulder, “Let’s go home,” he paused, probably trying to think about some way to convince him further. “We can get warm clothes and tea and talk about it, okay?” he smiled brightly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes like it normally did. As much as he was trying to be reassuring, it almost scared Dan to see such a pained smile on his face. 

“Yeah,” he nodded slightly, and walked passed him, ignoring the painfully fake smile on his face in favor of shoving his hands into his pockets, and walking in the direction of the flat. The rain had calmed down a little since this entire situation had started, so at least something good had happened. Though it was still bitterly cold and he hated it. 

An uncomfortable silence fell over them, as Dan tried his best to stay ahead of Phil. He wasn’t looking forward to the conversation ahead. He just wanted to pull off his clothes and flop onto his bed and just sleep all this pain away. That’s all he’s wanted to do, especially lately, and had he not taken this stupid fucking walk he would have been able to do that, and then put on a fake smile in the morning. Just like clockwork every morning. 

“Dan,” Phil loved interrupting his thoughts didn’t he, “Did I do something?” he could hear his footsteps slow to a stop behind him, as he just stared at his back. Dan groaned and turned towards him, hands still deep in his pockets, still hunched into his hoodie, still an emotional wreck on the inside. “Because I feel like this is somehow my fault,” 

Dan shook his head, turning around again, to avoid any amount of eye contact. “How could it possibly be your fault? You haven’t done a single thing,” he continued walking, this time a little faster, he just wanted to get this damn night over with, “Can we just go, I want to get out of the damn rain,” 

 

\----

The solid wooden door creaked open, allowing the two back in the flat, allowing the warmth of the heater to hit their cold, wet skin. They were both shivering messes, and honestly Dan couldn’t be more relieved about being home right now. He felt miserable. His hair was a curly mess, he was soaked head to toe, even his damn socks were wet. 

He slumped against the door, pulling off his shoes, and flopping them onto the floor with a sickening smack. He peeled off his hoodie, and hung it up on one of the hooks beside Phil’s equally dripping one. They both stood there for a moment, cold, shivering, and peeling off the jackets, and shoes. Dan pulling off his wet socks and throwing them in a corner. He shivered again, sniffling. 

“There should be some clothes in the dryer, they should be warm, I threw them in before I left,” even in times like this, Phil knew exactly how to make Dan feel just a tiny bit better. He nodded slightly and headed up the stairs to the main apartment. 

Sure enough there was a pair of red pajama pants, and a long sleeve jumper, warm and ready to wear and god was he ready to change out of these dripping clothes. It was a quick endeavour, in and out of his room. The jumper was a bit oversized, so he assumed it had been one of the ones he had stolen from Phil at one point, but right now he didn’t really care. 

He walked into the living room, running a hand through his damp, now very curly, brown hair. He grabbed a blanket from the couch, and wrapped himself into it, loving just how warm it was, combined with the clothes. He sat himself in the corner of the couch, and pulled a pillow into his lap to cuddle, and he was pretty much just set to sleep. 

Phil returned to the living room a few moments later, a fluffy blanket around his shoulders. He sat down on the other side of the couch, something he wouldn’t usually do. Though, Dan assumed, he wanted to give him a little bit of space, so he didn’t feel overwhelmed as he talked. “You ready to talk about it?” 

Dan nodded a bit slowly, his eyes felt heavy, but he really shouldn’t run from this anymore. Maybe he’d just fall asleep talking about it. Then it would be a win-win situation. One could only hope though. “Yeah, I think I am,” 

Phil smiled slightly, urging him on with a raised eyebrow. Always ready to listen when he needed it, even when he didn’t need it. Even when Dan just wanted to run away. Phil was a god send, he was sure of it. 

“To be quite honest with you,” Dan began, pausing a bit to try and find the right words. Phil sitting in front of him was making him just a little bit nervous, but he would power through it, just this once. “I feel like I’m messing everything up,” he groaned a bit, pulling the pillow to his chest, and pushing his face into the top edge of it, covering his mouth, “I want everything to work out, like all the youtube shit, and I dropped out of uni just to do all this, and what if it all flops in my face, Phil?” 

Phil regarded him quietly for a moment, before taking a deep breath, “Believing something is going to work is hard, but it's worth it because if you believe in it, you’ll make it work, Dan,” he looked down at his hands, playing with the hem of the blanket under his pale fingertips. “You can’t give up right now, you have to find something to believe in. Even if it's just something small like fairies, you need to find one thing,”   
Dan stared at him for a moment, his expression a bit softer then it had been, a bit more open. “I think I believe in one thing..” he hesitated a bit, looking back down at the pillow in his arms, “I just don’t want to put that kind of pressure on them all the time,” he smoothed the pillow out with his fingers, enjoying the softness on his fingertips, sighing as he did so. “I feel like I already rely on them too much, and I just don’t want to put that pressure on them at all.” 

He couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow, was it selfish of him to want the person Dan was talking about to be him? Maybe it was, but maybe he was entitled to a little bit of selfishness. He sighed a bit, “Who is it?” he paused a moment, “You know they might not mind the pressure,” he looked back down at his hands, “Maybe you’re the same for them,” 

He could feel Dan staring at him, eyes just as critical and analyzing as ever, just as cold. He could always see through things with him, and it was somewhat annoying in times like this. “Phil…” Dan’s voice was barely above a whisper, a little unsteady, as though he was unsure whether he should say whatever he was planning to, or not. Like he was weighing the consequences of whatever action he was about to take. 

“Yeah?” Phil glanced up, his bright blue eyes meeting Dan’s intense dark brown ones. He looked like he was about to start crying again, or just burst into a fit of anger, and for once in his entire time of knowing Dan, Phil didn’t know what to do about it. That worried him. It really did. “Dan, are you okay?”

“Its you,” the words were abrupt, and out of place, but they were the only words that had come out of his mouth. Phil’s eyes widened a bit, blinking at him, in slight confusion. Did he mean what he thought he meant? No way. That was too selfish. 

Dan sighed, realizing the statement had been a bit too abrupt, “I believe in you, you are what I hold onto,” he looked away as soon as he said it, unable to keep eye contact much longer because of the flustered face Phil was making. 

“Dan-” 

“Look, I don’t believe in fairies, magic, soulmates, or karma. Hell I didn’t even believe in true love,” his facial expression softened a bit as he continued, “I only believe in you, because through all the bullshit, you were there, and I just don’t want to take that for granted and-” 

“Dan,” Phil raised a hand to stop him from speaking, before leaning slightly forward to place it gently on his shoulder. “You could never take me for granted, you could never rely on me too much. I’m here for you,” he paused, if only for a moment. He could feel his entire body tense up, and oh god was he really going to say this? Was this really the time. 

Yeah… It had to be.   
“Dan I love you, okay? I’m here for you, because I love you, and you mean so much to me.” his voice grew a bit shaky as he continued, “I just hate seeing you in pain like this. You are the person I care about the most in this world.” he dropped his hand, letting is fall onto the pillow beside Dan’s. “So just, don’t be scared to need me okay?” He glanced away, not able to hold his eye contact any longer, this was the first time he had said anything like this outright. Yeah, sure he hinted at it, but outright saying I love you? That was a hell of a change. 

Dan looked up at him, eyes wide and watery, “Phil…” 

Shit here it comes, he knew it wasn’t the right time at all. “I love you too…” Phil paused, that wasn’t really the answer he was expecting. At least, not with Dan’s recent behavior. He looked at him before sighing, his face softening completely from his worried expression. “And I’m sorry,” 

Dan unwrapped himself from his blanket, and pushed the pillow to the side, scooting forward a bit he pulled Phil into as tight of a hug as he could muster, burying his face into Phil’s shoulder, and just feeling how close he was, it was relieving, and god he could get used to this. 

Phil leaned into the hug, placing his head on top of Dan’s, and wrapping his arms lightly around him, pulling him just a bit closer, “There’s no reason to be sorry, everyone has bad days. I already told you, I’m here for you no matter what,” 

“Thank you,”


End file.
